I took my first Kundalini yoga class last week. It felt like the class had just begun but I was lying on the ground and found my throat and lower lip quivering. Was I seriously about to cry in this class right now?! With only 6 people in the room and me in the front row. I internally said yes, and as the tears softly ran down the sides of my temples, I felt this unraveling. This realization that I constantly return to a baseline of waiting and wanting to be saved came right to the forefront of my mind. As I drove home I got real with myself and realized that I've always seen myself as incapable, as a failure, so I thought if I could convince someone that I was doing well-enough in my life than maybe they would choose me, and I would be saved from myself, say what?! I know it sounds pretty crazy but thinking about this I saw how it played out in so many scenarios in my life, and it was horrifying! My exceptional independence and drive when single changed to a hermit life and basically hiding in the shadows within a partnership. It explained why I had been feeling like I was in this interim phase, just trying to move through it as quickly as possible, let's make it go by quickly and be a good enough person on paper, until I can relax with someone else. It was why I was trying, but at the same time also trying to avoid some of those stickier situations like believing in myself, because taking steps forward would mean I actually had to trust that I would show up and be okay with the possibility of messing up. It's easier to hide in the shadows of your partner and allow their successes to validate your existence than to continue trying along side them and have people see you fail, but most importantly that partner who I had up on a pedestal would see me fail. It was much better to just say, see this person who is amazing, talented, successful, they chose me, despite my qualities and what I believe about myself, which wasn't much, they are my success. It feels a little embarrassing reading that, but honestly it's the truth and maybe if I say it just one other person will be okay looking at their own shadow and owning it. Because that's the first step. Being aware, saying I see you and I don't judge you for this, instead I will show you love and compassion through it and from there we can heal.
Now within this compassionate place it also feels like an uncomfortable breaking point, its uneasy to be still and in it. I find the need to turn on the TV or grab some donuts to try and soothe whatever is happening internally, if you haven't already noticed, just two articles in, I use food to soothe my problems, but one thing at a time. In this breaking point it's like I'm getting ready to expand into a bigger and better container, I know that I am worth so much more than this very low belief about myself, but it is SO uncomfortable to step out from that small shell I was in and transition into this more expansive idea of myself. Even typing this I just want to make another cup of coffee to have something in my hand to distract from this vulnerable pouring out of an insecurity that is so real to me.
As I unravel this constricting idea that I am unable to believe in myself and feel like I'm in this overly open space, I'm making time to, believe it or not, take MORE space, but for my mind and my heart. I can no longer bury this, it has infiltrated pretty much every relationship I've been in, and that goes even beyond the love relationships. So, I am creating the time to begin the conversations internally and ready each moment to move through this, taking one step at a time. Sometimes I freeze up or sometimes I take a step back, but I know my goal is to change over time, to love this insecurity out of me by providing the antidote for myself so that I no longer need someone else to believe in me. And I will say, that is something I am so grateful for from this last relationship, I had someone believe in me more than I have ever had in my life and now I can take that example and do it for myself. It looks different every time, the most recent was me avoiding sitting down to write this next healing series article. I made a commitment to put up an article every Wednesday, and I put that commitment out for others to see because I wanted to hold myself accountable, but the next week came around and after writing for months and months I all of a sudden had nothing to write about, I began hearing those insecurities of you're not a good enough writer, you have nothing to write about and of course, who is going to read this anyway? But none of that matters! I won't become a good writer by staying in the shadows and avoiding sitting down to write, I will always have something to write about, if I just take the time to listen. And finally, it doesn't matter who reads this because it's about believing in myself enough to do it and take that step forward into the light to say yes I am going to follow-through on this process regardless if its a flop or success I need to try and believe I can do it just to take one step forward and that is how we move through the shadows.
So, if you haven't told yourself today that you believe in your dreams, who you are as a person, what you deserve, do it now, because yes you can have those wonderful angels around you that say all the things, all the reasons they believe in you, but it will never be enough until you say it and believe it yourself. So just take it one step at a time, one encouraging heart felt, "I believe in you," to move that foot forward and expand through the shadows.