And with those words our chapter closed
To dull the pain would be so much easier, but then what, I would become the same shell I was before this
To imagine my life without seemed unimaginable before, but now I was staring it right in the face
It felt low and it felt heavy, like a cavern I could not hear nor see out of
How could I build that future without my rock, my everything
And maybe that was the problem to begin with, no one should be our everything
I don’t say it callously, I say it for the love of the person that has been there from the beginning, and she was staring right at me in that mirror
Do you think we seek out people hoping to fill the holes we knowingly or unknowingly have? Would it have changed any of your experiences with relationships, whether romantic or friendly, to have been able to heal these caverns first or is it even possible to heal them during? Or I wonder if maybe we needed these experiences to be able to see and break open the locks that held the hurt so tightly. Because looking back whether through an ending of a friendship or partnership I did gain so much knowledge about myself, and every person helped me along that journey to get me to a different place, but it was still painful every time. I think it was worth it.
As I experience the ending of a relationship I did not foresee, talking about what had been, and us looking at what didn't work, there are parts of myself I wish I could have changed, wishing I could have overcome my natural reactions that built walls around myself and kept her out, I wonder if that would have dictated a different fate. But then I have this quieter voice telling me to trust the process. And right after, like lightning striking through sky, swift and violent the same pain of loss hits my heart. It feels hard to sit with this pain, to allow it to be and not numb it away, something I became very good at as I grew up, which is actually a big reason for this reflection I am now seeing in front of me, so in order to honor the journey I know it must be tread in a different way. To make beauty out of something so heavy and charged with such loss seems impossible at this moment, but I can also see in the distance through the clouds as they drift apart and together with the changing winds and pouring rain, that there will be a time when I won’t feel like this. And I turn to the person that will get me through it, as the mirror reflects back the teary eyed soul, I see again what brought me to this point, I take responsibility for my stories that guided my choices up until now. I see you and this journey is about to change, because this reflection is not deceiving or marred, it is exactly what stands in front of it, and as always it is just me, and I am finding solace in that.